


Doesn't matter where I come from anyway...

by ToshiChan



Category: One Piece
Genre: Angst, Families of Choice, Gen, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, I tag Sanji as a Vinsmoke against my own will, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, It Gets Better, Mental Health Issues, Out of Character, Past Violence, Sanji Is Not A Vinsmoke, Sanji has Scars, Scars, Secrets, Vinsmoke Sanji-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27186721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToshiChan/pseuds/ToshiChan
Summary: ...I'll grow up and get sadOr,Sanji may have escaped his family but he’ll carry them with him for the rest of his life.
Relationships: Aka Ashi no Zeff | Red-Leg Zeff & Vinsmoke Sanji, Monkey D. Luffy & Vinsmoke Sanji, Mugiwara Kaizoku | Strawhat Pirates & Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 6
Kudos: 196





	Doesn't matter where I come from anyway...

**Author's Note:**

> Otherwise titled 'oops I made Sanji look like Sabo on accident'

The first thing anybody ever used to notice when they first saw Sanji is the jagged lightning-esque scar that starts just above his left eyebrow and runs down to the bottom of his chin, with tendrils snaking off, all barely missing the eye. It does sort of look like a lighting bolt, only rather than a crackle of electricity splitting the night, it is a harsh scar carved into the face of a boy. The crew on the boat Sanji escapes from his family on are nervous about it, whisper their theories about how Sanji got it behind his back. The scar at that point is still fresh, raw and red and all too easy to open back up should Sanji itch at it. In fact, it is more of a wound than a scar. That will only come with time and right now, there is not much of said time separating Sanji from his past.

He feels self-conscious in a way he never was before. Hard to worry about what your face looked like when it was locked up in a metal helmet. Now that that specific part of his torture is left behind along with the rest, he’s starting to remember that people actually do look at him. With his hair already long enough to frame his face, he starts styling it to cover the scar as best as he can. It doesn’t quite hide the whole thing – he doesn’t want to have to tie his hair up when he cooks so he has to make do with letting a small part show at the bottom – but with the majority of it hidden, people stop looking at him and only seeing the scar.

With that taken care of, the next thing people would take notice of when they saw Sanji is the twin scars on the backs of his hands. They look like someone has cruelly driven a blade into them, almost to the point of protruding entirely out the other side. They look like that because that is exactly what they are. Sanji’s family were keenly aware of what his hands meant to him, and to not take advantage of that would in their eyes, a crime.

Like with the scar on his face, the crew of Sanji’s new home gossips about these injuries as well. At the time of his abrupt departure, the wounds are truly are scars and it’s clear that they were inflicted a long time ago. That in a way is almost worse, because Sanji gets to hear men expressing their concern on how a child as young as himself could gain such horrific injuries.

He doesn’t want to have even an inch of fabric between him and his cooking, but Sanji caves and finds a way to get a hold of some gloves. He makes sure they’re soft yet skin-tight and after a while of wearing them, he almost doesn’t notice.

The last all too obvious indicator of Sanji’s past is easily hidden, but also scarily easy to expose should a situation force him into it. Kept a secret by common decency, Sanji intends to make sure nobody ever sees this part of him, because if they did then surely it would break Judge’s final parting rule.

_“Don’t ever admit that I’m your father in front of other people!”_

Just how the hell does he think Sanji’s going to be able to stay a secret with a huge fucking brand on his back?

Maybe it had been a spur of the moment decision, to pin Sanji down and press the burning hot metal into his back and hold it there as he almost immediately passed out, not from the pain but from the smell of burning flesh. Maybe it had been a calculated plan executed in the hopes that it’d make Sanji start to feel some sort of pride for the family he’s in, rendered useless by his escape. Whatever reasoning behind the action doesn’t matter, because at the end of the day, the brand is still there.

It’s huge.

It starts between his shoulder blades and ends in line with his hips. For six agonising months Sanji hadn’t been able to lie on his back, hadn’t been able to wear any sort of shirt, hadn’t been able to put up with even the lightest of touches on his skin. The brand is huge, and it had hurt like nothing had ever hurt before.

It’s also pretty clearly the Germa 66 symbol. Even those who wouldn’t recognise the threatening skull, the eyes reminiscent of their number and the lightning bolt cutting through it, would still see it as a mark of great evil.

It’s Sanji’s biggest secret, his biggest fear and his biggest shame. If someone were to ever see it and work out who he was - or rather who he’d used to be – then surely terrible things would happen.

And so Sanji styles his hair just so and wears skin tight gloves and never ever takes his shirt off and he does his best to make sure that whenever anybody looks at him, they see him first and the scars never.

Zeff is conscious when the ship picks them up, but the kid is not. He’s not nearly as strong as Zeff, nor had he been particularly beefy to start with. On the very first day they’d ended up on the island, Zeff had taken in his pale, stretched skin and the scar on his face, and realised that this was a kid who the world had hurt time and time again. Try as he might, Zeff couldn’t justify keeping even a bite of food for himself. The world had been cruel to this boy, and somewhere deep inside Zeff was a part of him who didn’t want to do the same.

They lie in the infirmary now, Zeff on his back in a bed and the kid on his front on a small cot. His tattered shirt has ridden up slightly and that’s when Zeff sees it.

He’d seen the other scars, the one on his face and the one on his hands and came to the very reasonable conclusion that for a kid so young, injuries as bad as the ones he boasted could have only been made inside the home. He’d accepted it quickly, wouldn’t call himself a pirate if he hadn’t.

What he’s seeing now though is an entirely different thing to stomach.

It’s a brand, huge and ugly and barely scarred over. It also happens to be the clearly identifiable symbol of the infamous Germa 66, the underworld mercenary force run by the royal family the Vinsmokes. Kid has either made himself an enemy of them at such a young age, or is a Vinsmoke himself, marked by them for some reason or another. Since Zeff has already worked out the other scars are the work of a less than loving family, it’s not too much of a stretch to assume the later of his two theories.

Which means Zeff spent 85 days on an island with a kid who was probably trained from birth to kill and not once did he ever pose any sort of threat to Zeff at all.

(Kid probably thinks his attempt on Zeff’s life was serious, as if Zeff couldn’t see the fear and regret and doubt practically oozing off his body)

Zeff remembers how he’d shared his new dream of opening a sea-faring restaurant in a moment of uncharacteristic weakness, and he remembers how even as starving and desperate as he was, the kid’s eyes had lit up at the very thought. He’d declared he wanted to join Zeff, even though Zeff had only saved him in the first place because of their once shared dream of finding the All Blue. Now it seems both want to give it up for a new goal.

Having a Vinsmoke hanging around could only cause inevitable trouble for Zeff, whether the kid had been banished or if he was actually still an active part of the family. Best for Zeff to ditch him when they got back to dry land.

_“…stop…”_ the kid whispers in his sleep, and weak and dehydrated as he is, he still finds some way to cry. _“…dad, please stop…”_

Shit. Zeff’s gonna end up taking care of a fucking assassin, isn’t he?

Sanji hates it when their waiters quit. Hates it with a passion, because he always gets kicked out of the kitchen to do front of house shit. Not only does it keep him away from his true home -the kitchen- it always means there’s more of a chance of some well-meaning soul, or some cocky jerk getting in his face and asking about the scar on his face. The hair may hide most of it, may keep some attention off of it, but at the end of the day, it’s a big ugly scar and people are naturally curious.

He’s stopped kicking the people who asked, mostly because Zeff kept kicking him in return for smashing glasses and breaking tables when he got too caught up in his anger. Sanji’s used to Zeff’s kicks now, and they have never once felt the same as the beatings his family used to give him, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to actively seek out his adoptive father’s wrath. Well, at least not most of the time.

These days, it’s either ignore, play dumb or get smart.

Sometimes it’s fun to spill some made up story of woe just to watch the shock and horror slide onto the face of the person who’s asked.

Sometimes it’s easy to just pretend he hasn’t heard them and move on to the next table.

Sometimes it’s nice to be a bit silly, to open his eyes wide in shock and gasp, as if he has no idea what they’re talking about, what do you mean scar, he’s never noticed a scar before.

Still, fun as either option can be, it doesn’t do much to sooth Sanji over. On the days where he plays waitress, he always ends up sitting outside at night, smoking cigarette after cigarette in an attempt to calm himself down. The chefs on the Baratie say that smoking dulls your appetite and speculate that Sanji must smoke because after having been deprived of food for so long, he must nearly always be hungry. In truth, Sanji is never really hungry anymore. Being forced to go without it for so long means his stomach shrunk to the point of almost non-existence and he’s never been able to truly fix that. He has to leave reminders all over the ship or he’ll just forget and slowly starve again without even realising.

No, Sanji smokes because his life is hectic and a mess and he’s always working hard, and smoking is the only time where he can just stop and focus on his breathing. It does also mean he can easily fall victim to his own doubts and fears (he keeps moving so he won’t have time to stop and think) but he’s gotten okay at just clearing his mind and focusing on breathing in and out, in and out, in and out.

When Sanji wants to forget, he smokes.

_“How’d you get that scar?”_

_“Look at the man mum, he looks funny!”_

_“Check it out, frankenstein’s our waiter.”_

Sanji smokes to forget, but life has a funny way of making sure that never truly happens.

When Luffy comes crashing into his life (literally) and sets his heart on having Sanji as his pirate chef, Sanji digs his heels in for two reasons.

There’s the obvious one, about how Zeff gave up everything for Sanji and Sanji can’t just leave him, not after everything they went through. Tempting as the ocean is sometimes, Sanji doesn’t want to leave his father behind. This is the man who loves Sanji, despite what he may say. How could Sanji just walk away from that?

The second reason, the one Sanji keeps hidden because it needs to stay a secret, is that he’s not too sure being a pirate is a good idea, not with his lineage. If word got out the supposedly dead son of Judge Vinsmoke was sailing with a rival pirate crew, Sanji would be captured and brought home immediately to face punishment, with his crew most likely being slaughtered to prevent Sanji from ever re-joining them.

Sanji doesn’t know Luffy at all really, but the idea of this kid dying at the hands of his former father does not sit well with the cook. It’s best for everyone if Luffy sails off and finds another chef, and Sanji stays at the Baratie and keeps his head down.

(The best thing for everyone really, is if Sanji wasn’t even around at all to potentially cause so much grief, but Sanji’s finally learnt to stop thinking about his life like that, so that option is currently off the table)

Luffy is so determined though, and the other chefs seem to think it’s a great idea. Even Zeff.

“Why?” Sanji confronts him in private, driven near mad by the way he’s being treated as if he’ll believe them when they say his food is shit. “I know you know who I am. Going with that boy…it’ll kill him one day.”

“I think you give him too little credit.” Zeff snaps, but Sanji doesn’t care. He tears frantically at his gloves, brushes his hair aside, struggles with his shirt and gives up in the end because what does it matter, Zeff knows what’s under there. Zeff knows he’s the offspring of a monster.

“Look at me!” he cries. “Look at who I am! I can’t go with him!”

“You can,” Zeff says, and his tone is strangely…not angry? “You can and you will. It’s about time you thought about yourself, eggplant. Stop using me as an excuse because you’re scared.”

“It’s not an excuse!”

“It is!”

“I don’t want to leave,” Sanji sobs.

_“If I can…run away…here in the East Blue…I’ll never have to see…Dad’s face again, right?”_

“I don’t want to leave you!”

“Idiot,” Zeff says, and Sanji must be imagining things, because there’s no way Zeff is crying, is there? “What kind of son wants to stay with his old man? Go with him, Sanji. It’s time you followed your own dream and left me with mine.”

“What about…?” Sanji gestures helplessly at himself. Maybe Zeff is right and it is time for him to get out there, but that doesn’t just mean that he can. He’s still a Vinsmoke, still wears their mark, still lives under their rules. He risks exposing himself if he leaves, and that can only lead to disaster.

Zeff, to his credit, does look as though he understands. It doesn’t stop him from shoving Sanji out the door. “Just tell that captain of yours. He’s an idiot, but it looks like he’s got a good head on his shoulders. He’ll protect you, just like you’ll protect him.”

“I haven’t said I’m going yet,” Sanji argues, but he knows he’s fighting a losing battle. Zeff has made up his mind, and deep down, Sanji has too.

“Pirates need cool scars,” Zeff declares, and that’s it.

Sanji is following in his father’s footsteps and becoming a pirate.

(There’s plenty of time to tell Luffy on their trip to find Nami about who he is, his past, his scars and what they mean. Sanji doesn’t though, because they have bigger priorities and he almost wants to see if he can keep himself a secret and make this work at the same time)

When Luffy goes to confront Nami one final time, the others hang back. This is between their captain and their (hopefully) navigator. Doesn’t stop them from gathering close enough to eavesdrop though. Normally Sanji would find it rude, prying on the private thoughts of a lady, but the way Nami clutches at the tattoo on her arm shakes something inside him.

He presses a trembling hand against his lower back as Nami drives her knife into her arm, over and over again until Luffy stops her.

Every inch of him wants to scream out in sympathy ‘I understand, I understand’. But he can’t, won’t. This is Nami’s fight, and Sanji is too new, too fresh to even try and offer her an ounce of comfort. That, and he doesn’t want the others to know the burden he’s bearing. Nami is braver than him in this way.

He wishes absently that he too could render his brand indecipherable. He’s considered it over the years, but in the end it’s just to large to cover up that easily. To burn over it would be more pain than he could manage, to have it covered by tattoos would bring unwanted questions from whoever was doing the job, to cut into it would be pointless and he’d probably end up doing himself some serious damage while still failing to disguise the thing.

In the end, it’s better to just stay covered and pretend it isn’t there.

Nami, a clear favourer of casual tees and tank-tops, does not have that luxury.

“Hey, calm the fuck down,” Zoro breaks into his internal thoughts as further down the road, Luffy stands over a crying Nami.

“Huh?” Sanji looks down at himself and realises his entire body is shaking with rage.

“I know you’re all woman crazy, but this is kinda taking it too far,” Zoro says.

“It’s not just that,” Sanji protests. “I just…I understand.”

Zoro doesn’t reply to that and Sanji can tell the swordsman is looking at the scar on his face, making his own conclusions like Sanji had hoped he would.

_Look at the surface so you can’t see what lurks deep below._

“Someone do that to you on purpose?” he asks finally.

Sanji only nods. He’s shared enough about himself for one day, and besides, this really isn’t about him.

“Let’s go,” Luffy says, and the blood in Sanji roars for a fight.

Nami thinks Luffy’s choice of cook is kind of…frigid. Or maybe fake, or flighty is a better word. Both though, is probably right. Sanji’s both.

The fake/flighty assumption comes from the way the cook swirls around her with endless declarations of love. He’s all over her, and yet Nami suspects if she were to actually start to reciprocate, he would fall back, retreat. Whatever it is inside Sanji that compels him to treat her like a goddess, it’s probably a mask he slipped on long ago and now can’t seem to take back off.

The frigid thing comes from the fact that they are pirates who call the sea their home and spend endless hours doing hard work under the sun, and Sanji just won’t take off his shirt. Hell, it’s rare for him to even take off his suit jacket. There’s vanity and then there’s just no common sense. Doesn’t he realise he’s just asking for heat stroke?

Does he not trust them? Is that it? He is the newest member of their crew, and half of them weren’t even around to properly welcome his arrival. It could be that he’s just not used to the environment.

That doesn’t make sense to Nami though. She’d been on the Baratie, she’d seen the way the cooks treated each other. They were a much more violent and rowdy bunch then the Strawhats are. For Sanji to find them unnerving would be to say he’d found the Baratie unnerving, and that clearly wasn’t the case.

Could he be self-conscious? Maybe he feels intimidated next to Zoro who’s always training without a shirt on when it gets hot, giving everyone on board a nice view of the muscle he boasts. Sanji is quite slender, it could be he feels inferior and doesn’t want to invite comparison.

That is a reasonable explanation, and yet Nami spent years honing her senses, learning to read people so she could take advantage of them as best she could. Her reasonable explanation doesn’t sit right in her gut, and Nami knows she can trust her gut.

So, it’s something else. Some other reason Sanji doesn’t want to de-robe in front of them. A good person might just leave it at that, but Nami isn’t exactly a good person. She doesn’t like the idea that Sanji doesn’t trust them enough to do something the others are all willing to partake in. It really does feel like he doesn’t trust them, or that he isn’t comfortable around them, and Nami now knows firsthand how toxic that can be for a crew.

That, and she’s just catty and curious and really does like to know that she has power over people, for if things ever get too out of hand.

So she tries to catch Sanji unaware, and when that doesn’t work (because hell, the man’s quick and he has this uncanny ability to tell when someone’s watching him) she just outright asks him one day if he’ll take his shirt off and sunbathe with her.

Normally he’d swoon and agree without a moment’s hesitation, throwing all thought out the window in favour of a pretty girl speaking to him.

This time though, it’s not the case.

“Sorry,” he says, and there’s a tremble in his voice that Nami has to fight to pick up on. “I have work to do in the kitchen. Perhaps another time.”

He goes to walk away and this just won’t do. Nami _needs_ to know what he’s hiding the same way she needs to breathe.

“Is it a scar?” she calls after him, pure desperation guiding her.

He stills. “What?”

“Is it a scar?” she asks again. Her voice is stronger this time, less unsure. She’s cat burglar Nami damnit and she won’t let anybody ever see her as uncertain or weak. “Like the one on your face. Is that why you never take your shirt off around us?”

Sanji reaches up with a gloved hand and brushes his fingertips against the curtain of blond hair that masks most of said scar. It’s like lighting, the way it strikes at his face and branches off in sharp little cuts. It’s a kind of mark that couldn’t be made by accident, has nothing but purpose behind it. Sanji hides it, is clearly ashamed of it. Does he wear his shirt to hide another?

“You could say that.” he laughs weakly.

“Could say that?” she presses.

“Nami,” Sanji says, and it’s the first time he’s ever said her name without any sort of trill to his voice. He sounds sad and serious and it’s not like him at all. “It really doesn’t matter. Not to you anyway. Just let it be my secret, okay?”

“Not okay,” Nami shoots back. “What sort of secret is it, Sanji? Is it just some stupid embarrassing scar or is it something that’s going to get us all hurt one day?”

“What, like you did?” Sanji shoots back.

Nami recoils.

“I didn’t mean that,” Sanji says instantly. “I’m sorry, Nami, I shouldn’t have said that, it was unfair and it wasn’t your fault and you were in a shitty situation that was out of your control and I promise you I didn’t mean that.”

“Maybe I did mess up,” Nami says. “I wasn’t honest with Luffy, and I avoided calling myself his friend even when I wanted to. I left and he followed and that is on me, for stringing him along for so long. But I’ve made peace with that and I’ve made peace with my past. Doesn’t seem like you have.”

“I…” Sanji seemingly chokes on his words, and Nami almost feels guilty. _Almost._

“I am one hundred percent on board for this crew to succeed, for us to finally achieve our dreams,” she tells him. “So if there is even the slightest chance you could jeopardize that, then you don’t belong here.”

She expects him to yell at her, and she’s ready for it. She’s tired of him acting like she’s beyond critique, like she’s above them all. Can’t she be as rough around the edges as the rest of them are? Why does he treat her like she’s too perfect to even yell at? She wants him to get angry!

He doesn’t though. He just runs a hand through his hair, careful not to disturb the portion that hides his scar and looks at her. “If I tell you what it is, will you promise not to tell the others.

“Sure, for a price.”

“Nami,” it’s a plead, a beg. “Not that, not now. _Please.”_

“Is it that bad?” Nami asks, chastised.

Sanji nods. “You’re right. It could get us hurt, and I’m selfish for wanting to keep it hidden, I know. It’s just…if it ever got out, I’d probably be killed, and you guys would be in a whole lot of danger as well.”

“Okay seriously, what the hell are you hiding?”

“A brand,” Sanji says, and rips the world out from underneath Nami in just two words. Arlong’s symbol on her shoulder had been cruel, a fate she had wished on no one, and now here was a friend telling her that they were the same. “A mark reminding me of who I used to be. And please, please don’t ask to see it. I can’t do that, Nami, not even for you.”

“But-”

“I said I’d tell you what it was I’m hiding,” Sanji says, not unkindly. “But I’m not ready to do any more than that.”

“Can I just ask one more question?” Nami has never claimed to be the kind of person to give up easily, but she doesn’t want to be a terrible friend anymore, and if giving Sanji his privacy is what he wants, then she’ll just have to suck it up and do it.

“Yes, but I might not answer it,” Sanji grins a little like he’s trying to make a joke.

“How old were you when it happened?”

His face darkens and all of a sudden he’s fumbling for a cigarette. He doesn’t answer but his actions speak for him.

Nami wants to be sick. Who brands a _child?_

“The others need to know,” she says, forcing her horror and disgust down because she knows from experience that that won’t help.

“I know,” Sanji says. He lights up with trembling fingers. “And I will tell them. Just not today. Doing it once is all I can handle right now.”

“Sanji,” Nami gets up to leave, sensing he wants to be left alone. “I’m…I’m really sorry.”

He shrugs. “And I’m sorry about what Arlong did to you. But that doesn’t fix it, does it?”

“No,” Nami sighs. “I suppose not.”

There was a heart stopping moment for Sanji when they met Vivi and learnt about the secret organisation hellbent on destroying her country, where he almost expected his former family to behind the whole thing. It wasn’t a stupid conclusion to jump to. Secret organisation drunk on power? What else was there to do but worry that he would be running into his family, after all this time spent free and living his own life.

In the end they establish pretty quickly who the bad guys are and Sanji almost cries, he’s that relived. Talking with Nami has done little to ease his fears of the crew finding out where he came from and reacting badly. It’s not like he’d told Nami the whole story, she could still turn around and call him a monster, and so could the others.

_“I think you give him too little credit,”_ Zeff snaps in his mind.

No, it’s not that. It’s a self-preservation, pure and simple. Sanji spent his childhood doing his best to learn when he should tell the truth and when he should lie. A lifetime’s worth of hatred and pain forced into eight years became a cruel teaching moment for Sanji, and now he carries those lessons with him everywhere he goes.

He cannot just trust that people will accept him. 

When Chopper flips the blond man (kid? He looks kind of young) over on his front to examine his back, he is struck frozen by what he sees. Covering nearly every available inch of skin is what is obviously a brand, ugly and scarred but healed over enough to not be a recent wound. It’s some sort of symbol or sign, not one Chopper recognises but a threatening one nonetheless. He wonders is maybe the people he and Doctor Kureha have rescued are actually criminals of sorts and this brand represents their gang. Knowing if he’s right won’t stop his treatment though. Chopper is a doctor now and he has sworn to treat all who need help.

Judging by how old the brand is though, this man couldn’t have been more than ten when he got it, so Chopper throws all thoughts of gang activity out the window and starts considering child abuse, especially when he sees the scar on his face and on his hands. None of these are new injuries and they horrify Chopper, but they’re past the point of his help, so he grits his teeth and focuses on what he can heal.

Later, when they’re all on board Luffy’s ship and Chopper finally has a new home and friends and a dream, he watches Sanji flit and flutter around, the scars and brand carefully hidden.

He aches to ask Sanji about what happened (for medical purposes mostly) but he isn’t even sure how one would start such a conversation. He’s barely been a member of this crazy cohort for a day and he’s already had a front row seat to the way Sanji will kick first and think second if he’s angry enough. Chopper can’t imagine he’s going to get pleasant Sanji if he approaches the man and asks ‘hey so the huge brand on your back, how’d you get that?’

That threat about being emergency food suddenly rings a whole less empty as he imagines the reaction Sanji would give him.

So Chopper stays quiet. It’s not like there aren’t enough things to focus on right now, what with the civil war they’re racing to stop. It’s just…he wonders if the others know about the burden the cook wears on his back.

It’s not like Chopper would tell them if they didn’t. Sanji’s his patient now and Chopper knows all about the duty of doctors to keep their charges’ secrets safe and sound. It’s just, on a ship as raucous as the Going Merry is, it doesn’t seem like it’d be easy to keep a secret as large as the cook’s is. If they don’t know, it’s clearly taking a lot of effort on Sanji’s part and Chopper can’t help but worry about that.

If you can’t feel safe in a crew like the Strawhats, where can you?

When it finally happens, Sanji is less than ready.

He’s had time to make peace with it, but it’s time he hasn’t used. How could he? How could he be okay with finally giving in?

Sure, he’s lain awake at night and imagined all the different ways his crew could react. He’s pictured the good, the bad and the terrible, the latter two more than the former of course, because Sanji has never been good at the whole optimism thing when it comes to himself. In his mind over and over again, he sees the crew react violently. He dreams of rejection and the same fear of his childhood grips his heart and stills it, tenderly, gently, like it’s sorry it has to do this.

They survive Crocodile and everything he threw at them and Sanji should be drunk on the sweet taste of victory. He should be sucking in air like he’s never going to breathe again because he’s a Straw Hat now and they’ve kind of made a habit of getting into trouble so very soon the chaos will probably start all over again.

Instead, he sits in a room in the palace that Vivi has gifted them while they recover, gloves gone and shirt gone and bandages barely covering the secret he’s almost considered dying over.

He sits in a room, his body on full display for everyone to see.

He stares, and they stare back.

Nami and Chopper look the least surprised. Nami had been privy to the fact that Sanji was hiding a brand and Chopper had probably seen all the secrets Sanji’s body had to hide when he treated him back on Drum. Both still look stricken though, tears gathering in their eyes, tears that Chopper lets fall, tears Nami fights to keep back.

Usopp looks confused. He keeps shuffling to the side like he wants to catch another glimpse of Sanji’s back -an action he tries and fails to make seem casual.

Zoro is impassive as always which is an annoying trait on the best of days and soon to be the cause of a panic attack on a day like today. How the hell is Sanji supposed to know what Zoro thinks of him if he won’t even react like everyone else?

Vivi looks heartbroken, and Sanji isn’t so caught up in his own grief yet that he can’t feel the guilt gnaw at him. The princess has been through so much and yet she still has tears to shed for him, and how is that fair? How can he do that to her?

The biggest reaction is reserved for Luffy, finally awake after his fight to the near-death with Crocodile. Sanji’s captain’s body is beaten and bruised and skinnier than usual (which is saying something because Luffy is stick thin) and yet it shakes with ferocious anger that spills across his face – eyes narrowing and lips twisting into a sickening grimace.

Sanji bows his head. He can already hear what Luffy is going to say.

_“How could you do this?! You put us all in danger! Get out and don’t come back!”_

He shudders. All his time spent imagining the worst-case scenarios and he’s still not ready. Even after all this time, he’s still the weak little boy who couldn’t even take a harsh word, let alone a beating.

“Please,” he whispers. “Don’t say it. I know.”

“Sanji…” his name falls from Nami’s lips, quiet and horrified and sad. “What-”

“Sanji,” Luffy interrupts and Sanji flinches, bracing himself for whatever punishment his captain sees fit to give him.

_Just make it quiet_ , he begs silently.

“Sanji,” Luffy says again.

_Here it comes…_

“Who did this to you?”

Huh?

“What?” Sanji looks up.

“I said, _who did this to you?”_

“I…does it matter?”

“Of course it matters,” Luffy sounds offended, indignant and still just as angry. The moods blend together into some sort of sickening swirl that Sanji struggles to make sense of.

“Why?”

“Cause I’m going to kill them.”

He says it plainly, like he’s promising something easy.

Sanji is still struggling to keep up.

“Captain, I-”

“Nobody touches my crew,” Luffy’s eyes narrow. “Nobody.”

“It happened a long time ago,” Sanji rushes to say. He’s never imagined this conversation going like this before and it’s a race to keep up, a race he’s losing. “Before we were crew.”

“That doesn’t make it okay,” Nami cuts in. “How could you possibly think that makes it okay?” She keeps her mouth open to say more but Luffy holds up a hand and she closes it again.

“Sanji?” he says, a question coupled with a slight tilt of the head. His hat hangs around his neck and his anger has twisted into something cold and serious. Sanji has never seen anything quite like it. “Did it hurt?”

“Uh, what?”

“Did. It. Hurt?”

Sanji stares.

Of course it had hurt. They’d all hurt. He’d never felt pain like it before.

A knife in his face, the blade never once lifted up, each lighting bolt strike carved into him like he was merely a blank piece of unfeeling canvas ready for art. He’d screamed and struggled but that only made it worse.

A sword through his hands, two of them, both driven down at the same time, carefully aimed so as to not leave any lasting damage but with enough force behind them to make him yell and scream as his fingers twitched and he kicked his legs against the ground in a futile attempt to get away.

A coil of boiling hot metal, pressed against his back with no care at all, the flesh instantly bubbling and rotting away, the pain there even after he passed out because it was sinking inside him, consuming him, burning him away.

“Yes,” Sanji says. “It hurt.”

“Okay,” Luffy says, a decision made in his mind. “Let’s go guys.”

“What? Luffy, stop, no!” Sanji leaps to his feet. His body screams in protest but it’s certainly not as bad as it could be thanks to Chopper’s work. “Do you understand what this is?”

“Of course I understand. Someone hurt you and I’m going to make them pay.”

“But do you know what this means?” Sanji gestures vaguely to his back.

“Should I?”

“It’s a warning! A sign! A threat of what’s to come if you go up against them!”

“Up against who?” Usopp, bless him, finally speaks up.

“Germa 66,” Vivi breathes.

“Who?”

“An army,” the princess is shaking. “A group of cold-blooded killers. But they’re a myth. Just the bad guys in a story.”

“No,” Sanji shakes his head. “They’re as real as I am. And this is their symbol. This marks me as one of them.”

“You’re part of the army?” Chopper asks.

“I’m more than that,” Sanji says bitterly. “I’m Sanji Vinsmoke, prince of the Vinsmoke family, rulers of the Germa Kingdom.”

Vivi gasps, a quiet sound that echoes through the room thanks to the oppressive silence that the rest of the crew has bene smothered by.

“A Vinsmoke?” the blue-haired girl sounds like she hardly dares to believe it, which, hey, Sanji sort of feels the same.

“So you’re what,” Zoro breaks in. “Some kind of fucking killer? Sent here to slaughter us or something?”

_“No!”_

It’s a scream and it fills the air.

“No,” Sanji clutches at the bandages wrapped around his chest. His breath is coming out short and fast and he feels a little dizzy. “No, I’m not. I…I haven’t really been a Vinsmoke in a long time. Maybe never.”

“It was them…” Nami realises. “They’re the ones who did that to you. Your own family…”

_“Dad, stop! Please, dad, DON’T!”_

Vivi blanches, Usopp and Chopper squeak, and even Zoro looks concerned. A brief but tangible ripple of pure anger crosses Luffy’s face and after a moment he reaches out for Sanji, but the cook can do nothing but flinch away.

“Fuck,” Sanji hisses, seeing the hurt his simple motion had caused. He doubles over, suddenly unable to look at anyone. “This isn’t…I didn’t…you weren’t meant to find out.”

“Why not?” Luffy speaks again.

Why not? _Why not?_

_Because…_

“Because I’m dead…” Sanji whispers. “Sanji Vinsmoke died a long time ago. He doesn’t exist anymore. And if everyone else back in Germa found proof that he was alive, then he’d be killed all over again along with everyone he loves.”

_Don’t you see? If this ever gets out, then you die. All of you._

“I can’t lose you guys,” Sanji says, and it’s a sob really. “And you knowing this is me losing you. You’re…you’re never going to look at me the same again. So…”

_So I’ll…_

“I’ll leave.”

_I’ll go._

“I’ll go, and that way…”

_That way you’ll all be…_

“You’ll all be safe.”

_I’ll keep you safe. I’ll…_

“I’ll go back if I have to.”

_Yes, if I go back of my own accord then maybe they won’t bother to find out what I’ve been up to. And then Luffy…_

“And then Luffy can become the pirate king.”

_And I’ll die again, happy this time. At least I got to have some fun before the end._

_At least I made some friends._

_At least I-_

Sanji’s head snaps back. His cheek stings and his skin burns.

He blinks.

Luffy had…slapped him?

“You’re stupid,” the captain says, withdrawing his hand. “And selfish.”

“I-”

“I’m going to be the pirate king,” Luffy says. “And I’m going to do it with you right beside me.”

“But-”

“No buts!” Luffy interrupts. “I can’t become pirate king without you, Sanji.”

“But-”

“No. Buts!”

“Heh,” Usopp snickers. “Butts.”

“Read the room,” Nami hisses, driving a sharp elbow into his gut.

“You think I care about some stupid army?” Luffy shouts. “You think I’m going to let them take my cook? No freaking way! You’re mine, you said you were mine! Anybody who tries to take you has to get past me. Do you hear me, Sanji? I’m not letting you go!”

_“I think you give him too little credit.”_

_Yeah, pops. I do._

“You can’t go up against them,” Sanji says weakly. Maybe it’s not a direct acknowledgment of what Luffy has said but he knows (or rather, hopes) the Straw Hats will see what he really means when he says that.

_Okay. Okay I’ll stay. I’ll stay even if I think it’s stupid, even if I’m scared._

Luffy shrugs. “Maybe not yet. But we’ll get a bigger crew and then we can take them down. And I’m going to punch your dad right in his stupid head.”

“Me too!” Chopper chimes in.

“Me three!” Usopp is quick behind him.

Nami and Zoro exchange a look that basically says the same thing.

Judge Vinsmoke won’t know what hit him.

Sanji Black Leg thinks he’d like to see that, one day, one day far in the future when he knows for certain they won’t lose. Right now, he’ll just let the weight he’s been carrying for so long finally slip free, bit by bit. It won’t happen all at once sure, because it’s a heavy load and he’s never been able to let it go before, but if the crew really do mean all that they’ve said, then Sanji thinks now is a better time than any to give it a go.

“Then I’ll chop his hands off,” Luffy says, still going, still deadly serious. “Nobody hurts my cook’s hands.”

It’s a violent, gruesome promise. Sanji thinks about how much it had hurt to have the swords driven through the backs of his palms, and so then he thinks he doesn’t care.

“I…” he begins, and then stops. Tears are building up in his eyes and there’s a lump in his throat and it hurts.

“Stupid cook,” Zoro says, and is Sanji imagining things or does the swordsman sound fond? “Thinking we were going to kick you out over that.”

“Like I had any reason to think you wouldn’t,” Sanji splutters.

“Well now you do,” Luffy says, and that’s that.

Sanji’s staying. They’re not letting him go. He’s a Straw Hat now and that is never going to change.

“We really need to talk about proper skin care for your scars,” Chopper starts to babble, maybe sensing the mood shift. “I have some great creams that could really help with any stretching or pulling. Do they stretch? How old are they?”

“Easy, Chopper,” Sanji says. “Maybe later. I think right now I just need to sleep for a thousand years.”

“Aw but Sanji,” Luffy pouts. “I want meat.”

“Our chefs can make you meat,” Vivi offers.

“No, I want Sanji’s meat!”

“Can anyone here read the room?” Nami snaps. “Sanji-Kun just told you all some very personal stuff and now you want him to work for you?”

“I don’t mind,” Sanji says, a pale imitation of his usual swoon over Nami, but an imitation nonetheless.

“You just said you wanted to sleep for a thousand years,” Nami accuses. “Boys are hopeless.”

“Did I ever tell any of you guys about the time I, the great Usopp, woke a princess up from a thousand-year sleep?”

“Liar!”

“No, really I did.”

Luffy slaps at Usopp weakly and the sniper slaps back with lazy flicks of his wrist. Zoro watches absently like maybe he’ll join in if they actually start to get serious. Nami sighs and scoffs and leans into Vivi, sharing a fond eye-roll over the antics with the princess. Chopper squawks his concerns, snapping at them to stop before they reopen any of their wounds.

And Sanji?

Sanji runs a careful hand down his face, touches light fingers to his hands, flexes his back just so.

There’s no chance of these wounds reopening.

Good. It’s about time he moved on.

“Hey Sanji!” Luffy crows as he dodges Usopp’s flailing fingers. “Meat!”

“I hear you captain,” Sanji says. “I hear you loud and clear.”

_“I’m not letting you go!”_

Yeah.

_I’m not letting you go either._

**Author's Note:**

> This is a full-blown AU, though I tried to stick to cannon moments as best as I could. Kinda falls apart at the end in Alabasta but I’ll justify that with my need for angst and also hurt/comfort. I'll also justify the somewhat out of character moments with the same need.
> 
> Tons of little headcannons sprinkled in which I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments if you liked this fic, I'd love to know how I went : )


End file.
